Joseph's Diary

（一点三十三分） - 每次看完了一部无线的戏，都会有同样的一种感觉。无论我已看了多少部戏，始终还是希望大团圆结局。其实每一个人的心目中，都会有一个盼望圆满结局的心。看了《家好月圆》这部戏，我想不会有一个人看了是希望于素心和凌至信一起拍拖。很奇怪地，人们在看戏时可以很清醒地知道戏中谁对谁错，但偏偏在实际人生中当局者迷，一而再，再而三地跌倒，犯错。实际的人生里，真的是很错综复杂。我自问自己不是什么圣人，在这人生的旅途里，犯了不少错，有些时候，更有一失足成千古恨的感觉。我想，如果将来可以把自己的人生以一位外局的角色来判断，可能我就真的可以避免犯错。不过，错的就让它过去吧，放过自己，是唯一重新振作的必经之途。其实有时候真的很希望自己是大团圆结局的一份子。有时很羡慕那些明星，不管他们拍什么戏，结局都是大好收场，虽然我知道他们实际生活中可能不像戏中那么写意，但是，人的心总是希望可以有如戏剧般美满。其实，经过一番思考，发觉短短的四十集剧情，根本不可能与我二十四年的生活经验来的精彩。只是，戏剧的情节，我们可以知道剧终的结果，但，生命的句点，我们是无法猜测的。将来几十年的路程，我人生的这一场戏会是怎么样一回事，谁会陪伴着我演完这场戏，结局是怎样，这一个大问号，徘徊在我心中已有一段日子。现时心里有一种说不出的感觉。我真的很希望，我可以有机会把我所拥有的一切与一个人分享。我那丰富的情感世界，何时才可以。。。我的理智，感性，逻辑，浪漫，科学，艺术，在还没找到受益人之前，此时此刻，就先由笔墨为我暂时描绘吧。

(4.19PM) - "I think I deserve a good rest back here in Kuching." My heart for the past few days have been very concerned about a few things that is ongoing in KL. I should put a halt to all these while I'm back here in Kuching, or else, I can't enjoy a quality stay here. I deserve a good rest, rest to the max, with my family members. That's what I will do for the next few days. I've not decided when to go back to KL yet, but soon. I've not contacted Dr. Ezzat for some of the procedural matters, but I think I will do so very soon. Meanwhile, let me just soak in the picturesque and tranquil environment of my lovely city Kuching. I wish I brought my camera back here, so that I can capture every little amazing details about Kuching. For this trip, I have a few things in mind, to visit Joshua's dad, to visit my grandma, and to learn some of my mum's secret recipe.

Today I cooked spinach for lunch. Not difficult to cook, but to have a pleasant blend of spices and taste enhancer is a challenge. But, nonetheless, I will conquer cooking. I wish to learn Sarawak Laksa, so that I can give my friends a good treat when I'm back to KL. I think it's time I bring some of my pleasant Kuching culture back to West Malaysia.

Kuching is really a beautiful place. When I go to Matang area, the mountains, the hills, and the sea, it's amazing. This city is the best place on planet earth. Fresh air, nice scenery, and most of all, it's a land of the free. No political conspiracy, no demonstration, no mass gathering. We have our own newspaper, our own food. It's heaven on earth. Last night I went to a coffee shop to get my bowl of kolo mee. Nice food, the taste is entirely uniquely Kuching-nian! I'm contemplating on going back to KL, although reality always forces me to go back for good.

(6.46PM) - I just woke up, amazing. My bed is unbelievably enticing. I slept around 6+am this morning, catching up on my hk tvb series. Recalling yesterday, I went to see Joshua's dad. I told him to keep calling on Jesus. Let the doctors do what they can do with their human ability, but we will believe in Jesus as the healer, the One who is able to make every crooked thing straight. I taught him how to partake the holy communion, and then I laid my hands on him and command every cancer cells to die in the name of Jesus. I will stand with him in this area, relying on my saviour to save or to "sozo" him. It's an exciting experience to minister to people. When I preach the word to him, I felt the anointing all over me. Everytime when Jesus is being lifted up in the consciousness of people, miracles and breakthroughs happen. My aim is to lift the presence of Jesus more and more in people's consciousness, only by doing that we can overcome the world. Seriously, when the anointing is on me, I felt like I can do anything and everything. But after I went back home, I was like, my goodness, what have I done... But it's a good experience to go and do something that is beyond my comprehension. Jesus, I rest Joshua's dad into Your loving hands. I know You love him. Thank you.

I just heard that another dialysis patient in the SGH has passed away. He is about the same age as me, and he passed on earlier. Life is too short to drink cheap wine. So make the best out of our lives. Don't regret any decision. I have a desire to serve the Lord, but in the environment of grace, not works. Perhaps one day, I would be a pastor or something. I have not reached the stage where I can say I would give up anything and everything for the Lord, but whatever tiny pewny strength I have, I pray the Lord will make use of it.

I heard my grandma is not feeling too well. She is 75 years old already. I'm kinda concerned about her. Lord, I pray in the name of Jesus, protect her. I must go and see her this holiday.

(1.09PM) - I overslept. My home bed is too nice. I've never slept like this for quite a while already. Me love my bed. I didn't make it to church today, due to my nice nice bed.

I'm going to the hospital in a while to pray for Joshua's dad. I know I might not be somebody in the world's eyes, but my God is really somebody to do the healing. I still believe it's the norm for God's children to get healed when they are sick. It's not normal for christians to stay sick. God's provision for healing is available for everyone who is sick. I'm gonna lay my hands on him, if possible, break bread there.

The latest news is I heard that his dad is being discharged and will go back home now. Good. His condition is stable enough to hear the good news. Me, Alvin, and Darren will go to his house and pray for him. My faith is not solid, it is shaking and doubting every moment, but I know this is not about my faith, it is about the finished work of Christ that has made me righteous and God who is merciful and graceful to extend His healing hands to all those who needed it. I'm gonna be a practising christian for Jesus..

(9.12PM) - I don't understand why somebody can have the attitude of,"I don't care, I don't know, as long as you don't give trouble to me. I want everything to be senang senang." Such is the behaviour of my room mate. He doesn't care about the cleanliness of the toilet. Once I polished it all up, the next moment I'm in, I see some dirty footprints there. What the hell is this guy doing? Doesn't he know anything about cleanliness? And when the room is filled with dust and cob webs on the floor, how can he just wait for someone to clean it up everytime? I don't care, today I just sweep the part of the floor that seemingly belongs to my area. I could not be the one to always clean the toilet, sweep the floor for all of them if none of them cares about hygiene. As I was coming back from dialysis just now, when I stepped into the toilet, my goodness, why are there so many stubborn stains. And I have to clean it up post-dialysis. I almost blackout in the toilet because of my post-dialysis hypotension. My heartbeat was real fast. But I still had to clean the place for them. I don't understand even if he sees me cleaning the toilet everytime, he doesn't care about volunteering to do it for the next time. And on deciding on who to pay for the bills, I mean, who to GO and pay, with our respective money, he can say,"This kind of ma fan thing, let others do it." My goodness, why is there someone who is so lazy and irresponsible at all? He can't be so busy, he doesn't need to go dialysis 3 times per week like me. Last time when I asked,"So who will collect the money from us to pay for the bills when the owner goes away?" The answer he gave me is: Of cos not me. I've begun to learn the truth that "if this is not my house, who cares if it is dirty" has been silently residing in most guys' brain. I don't care, from today onwards, as long as my place is clean, I will not sweep others area. But they are lucky, because the toilet I will still clean it, because I hate dirty toilet.

I just finished talking to my china housemate. He told me that Malaysian University is a 3rd class university in the world. According to him, in China, there are 3 types of university, those from the top, middle, and bottom class universities. The amazing thing is that they really have the necessary documents to prove what class the university is. Hence, when you graduate from those universities, employers will know how to grade you. It's unfair to me. I don't believe everyone from top schools will be brilliant, and not everyone from infamous universities will be a lousy student. I'm not really the brilliant type, but I don't think everyone who graduated from some big universities are better than me. I'm not very happy with the education in Malaysia. What it takes is just an opportunity. A lot of money has been wasted in sending useless people overseas, and they waste off government's money by just fooling around. I can do better than them. I just need some golden chance of my life. I hope those outside will not put a price tag on me just because I graduated from University of Malaya. Give me a chance to prove myself, and I will prove you correct in adopting me.

(6.00pm) - This is the 2nd time that I'm cooking this beautiful dish. This time, the taste of my cooking improved. But it was a little bit too oily. I think I know what to do next time. It's getting better and better everytime I cooked. I now realize the fun of cooking. Will try something else next time. Thanks to Kim Siang for teaching me how to cook.

Today is the first day of Hari Raya. I wish all the malay/muslim counterparts of our country a blessed raya.

I went to dialysis this morning, and now I am able to declare that I hate morning dialysis. It's freezing cold inside the room. Thank God there are enough blankets for me..

Alright, at this moment, I will make a decision to get over yesterday's matter. I will learn to forgive. Her ignorance does not mean I have to be ignorant. I forgive you..

Today I talked with my China housemate's gf and friend. Sweet ladies. She told me some unhappy matters in her house, where her landlord wants to increase the deposit. Hmm.. Weird..

One of the thing she commented on me was I look like "ah niu", the malaysian pop singer. Amazing. When I told her I was a master student, they were shocked. They said I looked unbelievably young. Is that a good or a bad comment? I've always wanted to look a bit older and more mature. Perhaps one day I will treasure and appreciate my young look. But I really want to look more manly. Well, I told myself, be thankful for how you look. You never know how your look might be an advantage to you one day. Who knows.

Xin Yun asked me out for many many times, I rejected her for many many times. I don't feel really that comfortable to go out with her. Although she is my form 6 friend, but I feel uneasy to go out with someone who doesn't joke that much. All my friends are people who are very open-minded, and not religious. By religious I mean the "holier than thou" attitude. I don't like that. She asked me if I wanted to da pao today. I have no choice but to say yes, because I've turned her down so many times. In the end, she bought a particular food that is enmity to me - ban mian. I hate ban mian. That food is my enemy for life. I tried to like it, but it tastes awful. Yucks.. But anyway, because she bought it, I ate a bit, just to make myself feel better.

Today, I cooked. Although the taste is not that nice as compared to the chinese stall behind my apartment, but I managed to finish the big bowl of vege. I should ask my mum what else can I do with the vege I have in my fridge. She is more expert. Cooking is just like doing research, a little bit of inspiration plus some trial and error will give you just the taste you want. But, no matter how bad the cooking is, home cooked food will be the tastiest. I miss my mum's cooking. But meanwhile, I will learn how to cook the best I know how.

Ah moo pissed me off today. I f**k her on the spot thru email. I seldom get angry but, when someone talks to me in an unruly and contemptuous manner, I will screw her. That's me, straight. Lek Fong tried to calm me down, but to no avail.

It's 3.30pm. I just woke up from sleep. This morning, at 9.20am, I sms Ping Leck to tell him that I will not be following him to church. Reason being I was too tired and I needed some sleep. I slept around 4-5am this morning. It's not healthy. I know my time has all been messed up. I actually felt a bit guilty for not going to church. But I remembered pastor prince saying,"If you did not go to church, you should not be feeling guilty, you should be feeling hungry." I hope when Alvin comes, I will have a friend to accompany me to church every week. I'm very tired of having no fixed church to attend. Sometimes DUMC, and sometimes Acts, doesn't give me the feeling of belonging. God, is there a church that preaches your grace and righteousness in this city? I need to be in one, Lord! I refuse to be condemned and the blood of Jesus has made me righteous in the eyes of God. Lord, as Your word says, I am coming to your throne with boldness to obtain mercy and grace. Make me a radical christian that shines for You Lord. I want to be radical, but I do not have the power and strength to do it. Jesus, you've gotta cleanse my crooked walk with your word and water. Thank you Jesus. I surrender every bit of my life unto Your hands.

I went to Mid Valley with Lek Koon and her sister. Something unusually disgusting happened to me. I dunno who the **** is that fella who threw chewing gum in mid valley. This is the second time where chewing gum got stucked under my shoes, first my adidas 2 years ago and now my crocs. What the... And there is no way of removing it. It is a stubborn stain. My goodness. Whoever that fella is, God bless him!

I bought a lot of vegetable, eggs, chicken stock, sesame oil, onion, carrots, drinks.. I even bought a strainer for my sink and a lighter for my stove. Spent around rm80++ today. Well, I can cook next time! It will be good to cook myself. Yum yum... I will be a good cook one day. I know I will.